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This master post has been pinned to the top of my blog. Updated occasionally. All posts under each appropriate heading are tagged and sorted into their respective categories accordingly (click the headings to be redirected). Some posts overlap. Constantly in the process of further re-organisation. Please be patient!

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honest!

i fell asleep from 3 to 6 this afternoon. not sure why; i’ve been taking too many naps, always feeling tired after lunch. but today i woke up feeling erratic and impassioned. i went down for dinner and wrote for four hours. breaks in between. when i was done i breathed again. i am full. i am scared. i made myself write in ways i’m not used to, about things on which my opinion feels invalid, small, naive, insubstantial. i had to keep reminding myself it was fiction, and that in any case, my sentiments are real, my sentiments are candid. not perfect, not complete, but i am human. very often i forget i am allowed mistakes and faults; more often still i forget i am allowed to show them and let people react. love me still. treat me harshly. jolt me awake. i am a work in progress. it’s said often. i understand it now. growth mandates falling and learning and sculpting and redefining and refining. i am a work in progress.

sometimes i am with myself for too long it starts to feel as though introspection has metamorphosed into narcissism. i am a bit too loud in my head and my posting this at all is a bit ironic but – i need less of me. i need to forget about me. i really wish true altruism existed. everything i do feels too selfish. i need to devote myself to change before i get lost in my own head.

how the world ended

this morning i woke up in a mess of tears and panic: it was already 11am, i had things to do, and dinner plans later.

but what really shook me most was the realisation i’d been asleep; my dreams had been so achingly vivid. i think i’d woken up a couple of times between nine and eleven, but these were momentary lapses — i’d fall right back to sleep in seconds and my dream sequence would just patch right back up, prolonging the nightmare, worsening the fear.

i dreamt of rain and floods that swallowed whole houses. people dying. supplies and mementos getting lost in torrents. CNN wasn’t covering the story. my family and most friends refused to believe the rest of us when we pleaded to evacuate. nobody had a plan. there was no strategy but to scramble at the last moment and pray to survive.

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recently i’ve been feeling so capable & liberated; increasingly learning to really just let my Self run its course and be comfortable with who i am — in all contradictory states of Being: boringness and chaos and stability and destruction — i have never felt stronger and more driven. never realised how myopic i was to my own comfort zone till someone pointed out i should step out of it. i will be who i am and cast worry or the need for validation aside. nothing matters!! i will make the most of my time here.

i’ve realised my instinct is to put up such a front it veils my larger flaws — self-esteem, a certain type of social awkwardness / anxiety (i don’t know; i don’t want to self-diagnose), boringness, inferiority, blah — and my silly, little ones — my clumsiness, how i sometimes stutter, how i ramble, how i can be so flaky at times — that whenever i’m comfortable enough to let that front down for someone and be honest with my idiocy and internal mess and about Not Being Wise And Mature All the Time (because i don’t have my shit together! hello!) it feels extra good because! authenticity!

i don’t know. it takes so much (not just wavelength and a good listening ear, but time) for me to feel comfortable enough with someone to be sure they’ll be there for me even through my bullshit and vulnerability and mundaneness it startles me whenever i feel how i’m feeling now: safe, assured.

thank you.