i can’t do love

June 8, 2015

sometimes i think about you and put a pedestal underneath your feet and attach mysteries to your most probably straightforward life and perspective of life; you become ethereal and almost divine, in a sense, as i view you as a swan in the shadows, in intriguing beauty and beautiful intrigue. it is not hard to imagine you soft, nor is it dark to find you close to light—that is how i find you compelling, poetic, delicate, as a touch-me-knot, knots the path of your mind. (and i will forget-you-not.) but then i look up and realise that when we tilt our heads up to face the days and nights, we are both looking at the same sky, and all of a sudden you become small, and personal, and human. you become gibbously intact and cross-limbed, faulted by default. and you become even more enthralling.

so I’m reading through my old blog and I stumble across post after post about relationships that never manifested into anything more than yearnings.

August 30, 2014

will always be fond of you

I’ve never had a crush on anyone but I’ve been infatuated by a number, and allow me to dissect (for my own sake) what I mean when I label the attraction as such: it’s when I can’t claim to like somebody because I don’t know them well enough, or at all, but am so intensely drawn to a certain magnetism they seem to yield over me, that lulls my intrigue and attention towards, because I want to get to know them. I want to witness their growth firsthand. I want to learn about not just their strengths but also their weaknesses. I want to see them, past the shallowness of their masks, deep into the bits of their identity even they may not yet comprehend. I want to be privy to their mind and heart.

September 19, 2014

what kind of darkness are you?

(I always feel uncertain of the morality of my desire to watch them thrive, because is their potential derived benefit a product of my own hunger? do I indulge myself sinfully, in somehow thinking I can contribute to someone else’s growth? am I perceiving them as something less than human, objectifying them (only, emotionally, not physically)? does it matter? maybe not, because by one ethical school of thought it’s principally the outcome that matters, plus there is never any malice in the slightest in my intentions, but ah, perhaps this is just an excuse I make to not feel like an awful person.)

September 6, 2014

isn’t it weird how bits of your lingo are slipping into mine

but in any case even if this infatuation I’ve defined is normal or just the way my feelings manifest (my version / experience of the road leading up to a crush / love / whatever, I hate the need to label things that are so arbitrary and fluid), and is akin to the road to romantic sentiment, I really cannot do love — not the conventional kind anyway — because I am so incredibly, absolutely terrified of taking the leap. I don’t have the guts to initiate and I don’t have the guts to admit to myself that I may be feeling something or that the other person may be feeling something. at times I am bold and I reciprocate whatever coquetry is ongoing, but overall the possibility of anything happening both perplexes and alarms me, and as a defensive mechanism I shut it down, move into the friendzone or just force myself to ignore any gut feeling. plus I’ve never been comfortable with the notion of going into something with romantic deliberateness — I never thought myself to be the sort, but truly I value building a relationship and the bridge from friends to more. because!! the friends stop is such a crucial stop leading up to the more destination, and I respect that not many others have the same mentality, but it’s a personal value and comfort zone I align with.

May 11, 2014

your name appears out of nowhere […] I see it and my insides kind of twist.

I’ve never liked anybody properly (am always able to detach, after having learnt this art through grueling tenor, plus the whole infatuation thing is so absurd — unnecessarily intense emotions over such a surface-skimming understanding albeit the desire to go beneath this surface… never comes to fruition; c’est la vie) and I don’t think I will anytime soon. but I am not aromantic and certainly not asexual contrary to what people seem to think (and I really do get this so often). maybe I can’t do love because I’m just too fearful or picky or nobody right’s been there at the right time yet, I don’t know. but I do yearn to give the intimacy and consideration and affection associated with romance to someone and really do hope I will have the pleasure of providing someone with all that one day. in the meantime, though, aside from nights like this in which I feel particularly alone and curious, I will focus on the other types of love I have indeed been blessed with — namely friendship, which is another gem and post entirely.

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5 thoughts on “i can’t do love

  1. this is incredible. oh wow just wow! Hmmm “am always able to detach, after having learnt this art through grueling tenor, plus the whole infatuation thing is so absurd” –> you need to teach me that someday.

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  2. “am always able to detach” FINALLY SOMEONE ELSE. hi!! Tho this is only what? the 3rd post from you that I’ve ever read, I know that I’ll be procrastinating on IB work just to finish scrutinizing every bit of your oh-my-god-it’s-SO-good blog. I haven’t read many blogs so it’s not quite fair to say yet, but reading your posts, esp the ones in ‘After supper’, i.e this one, I am…relieved. Someone who I can relate to and who might even reciprocate my emotions of loneliness (not lonely like i need a partner lonely but lonely like there are so many thoughts in my head that idk how to convey…but shamelessly desperately, sometimes also lonely like i wanna love and be loved by a significant other). Wanna continue but might ramble without stop. I LOVE your style of writing and aspire to write as well as you. Whatever you’re doing,its amazing. Don’t stop. 🙂

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