heavy — i was telling jerry about how i don’t usually realise how i’m doing until i come crashing.

i think today i’ll simmer in all that i’ve been feeling.

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recently i’ve been feeling so capable & liberated; increasingly learning to really just let my Self run its course and be comfortable with who i am — in all contradictory states of Being: boringness and chaos and stability and destruction — i have never felt stronger and more driven. never realised how myopic i was to my own comfort zone till someone pointed out i should step out of it. i will be who i am and cast worry or the need for validation aside. nothing matters!! i will make the most of my time here.

i’ve realised my instinct is to put up such a front it veils my larger flaws — self-esteem, a certain type of social awkwardness / anxiety (i don’t know; i don’t want to self-diagnose), boringness, inferiority, blah — and my silly, little ones — my clumsiness, how i sometimes stutter, how i ramble, how i can be so flaky at times — that whenever i’m comfortable enough to let that front down for someone and be honest with my idiocy and internal mess and about Not Being Wise And Mature All the Time (because i don’t have my shit together! hello!) it feels extra good because! authenticity!

i don’t know. it takes so much (not just wavelength and a good listening ear, but time) for me to feel comfortable enough with someone to be sure they’ll be there for me even through my bullshit and vulnerability and mundaneness it startles me whenever i feel how i’m feeling now: safe, assured.

thank you.

on a similar note

lol pet peeve but we really need to stop making Trump jokes and / or remarks against Trump supporters if we aren’t sufficiently aware of what’s actually going down in the US or if we’re generally uninformed!

here are some voting stats:

  • 29% of Hispanics / Latinos
  • 8% of blacks
  • 29% of Asians
  • 37% of other, non-white racial demographics
  • 10% of liberals
  • 42% of women

… all voted Trump! despite his racist, xenophobic and misogynistic rhetoric! why? ask why!!!!!!!! find out why!!

PS i’m not angry or triggered or trying to be condescending, just slightly exasperated, if anything, lol.

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tangents enter from infinity, meet at one point, and drift away to another infinity. perhaps we can attribute the first infinity to the range between the birth of time and our conception, the point to our lifespan, and the other infinitity to whatever follows after death.