you shouldn’t feel the need to have to justify yourself or the decisions you make
Jayshan is right. I really do need to start living life on my own terms. I am very imperfect — we all are — and I need to start accepting the shortcomings that cannot be controlled or altered instead of letting them govern how I feel about myself. And I need to start taking my own advice. I rationalise well. I just never heed it. Always an excuse, for myself. I tell my friends to go for X then run away from the exact same thing because I’m scared or whatever. It’s bullshit. I really need to start applying my objectivity to myself.
been feeling all sorts of things today (muted, thankfully): sadness, anger, hollowness, frustration, empowerment, wonder, intrigue – and this frenzied want to soar and abandon and dissociate.
today i had lunch with someone new & it was beautiful. i was so moved by her vigour that at the end when she offered a handshake i leaned in for a hug instead. this whole morning had already felt like a daze; the evening journey home felt like a dream altogether. the sky seemed farther and wider. i thumbed my red string and contemplated the temple. i walked with the wind.
**Might delete. I really don’t usually share this much, with anyone, not because of some dark, sad reason, but because I… just don’t see the point… and it feels weird! This turned out much longer than I’d intended. And a lot more candid/vulnerable, lol.
What a month this has been! Mid-September saw the comment of a Redditor, who left quite the impression on me by pointing out how in my comfort zone I’ve been, and thus awakened my determination to step out of it this year and next especially. But October’s seen the cementing and fruition of this decision, as the realisation and its subsequent reaffirmation was left to bake and cool for a little bit in my head (and heart — as with pursuits that demand a certain degree of courage… in this case, a lot!) before it sunk in and integrated fully. It’s still an ongoing, conscious effort, but baby steps! I always say.
My memory isn’t the best but luckily I plan things almost obsessively and my bullet journal is very much utilised in this aspect. I love scheduling. I can’t really remember days in detail. I don’t usually do these posts but it’s 1:57am and I should go to sleep but I want to share and I’m feeling a lot tonight, vividly and variedly — the latter’s not an actual word, but I’m still feelin’ it — so here’s a heavy recap of my month so far (or rather, whatever I can think of, or feel like, talking about):
Continue reading “October—”
heavy — i was telling jerry about how i don’t usually realise how i’m doing until i come crashing.
i think today i’ll simmer in all that i’ve been feeling.
i fell asleep from 3 to 6 this afternoon. not sure why; i’ve been taking too many naps, always feeling tired after lunch. but today i woke up feeling erratic and impassioned. i went down for dinner and wrote for four hours. breaks in between. when i was done i breathed again. i am full. i am scared. i made myself write in ways i’m not used to, about things on which my opinion feels invalid, small, naive, insubstantial. i had to keep reminding myself it was fiction, and that in any case, my sentiments are real, my sentiments are candid. not perfect, not complete, but i am human. very often i forget i am allowed mistakes and faults; more often still i forget i am allowed to show them and let people react. love me still. treat me harshly. jolt me awake. i am a work in progress. it’s said often. i understand it now. growth mandates falling and learning and sculpting and redefining and refining. i am a work in progress.
sometimes i am with myself for too long it starts to feel as though introspection has metamorphosed into narcissism. i am a bit too loud in my head and my posting this at all is a bit ironic but – i need less of me. i need to forget about me. i really wish true altruism existed. everything i do feels too selfish. i need to devote myself to change before i get lost in my own head.