the past few days i’ve been happy giddy warm loved thank you thank you thank you / in my own warm little bubble of a soft sustained dream


life is thoroughly confusing and unexpected. i think a lot has happened in the past month in particular. i’ve felt a lot and been awake a lot and in slumber dreamt a lot and each day i’ve been going through so much emotionally and been running on all sorts of tangents in my own head — it surprises me that going to bed i feel like a different person from when i woke up.

i don’t know what to make of a lot of things. my trust is in whatever the fuck it is that shoved me into conscious existence. things will be okay because they need to be okay; we are inclined to reaching resolutions, to feeling a sense of closure, and when i die things will make sense — if they don’t, that will be my conclusion. i don’t know how to articulate my faith. everything will work out because everything has to work out.

jab / i crack into halves and swallow my thoughts before i can feel them / i claw at what i must not / i cannot tell and i will not take the risk

i am very cold very numb very feeling very small very scared

all i know is that i feel i don’t know how i feel or why i feel or what i feel all i know is that i do

3am or something, Clarke Quay, by the river

you shouldn’t feel the need to have to justify yourself or the decisions you make

Jayshan is right. I really do need to start living life on my own terms. I am very imperfect — we all are — and I need to start accepting the shortcomings that cannot be controlled or altered instead of letting them govern how I feel about myself. And I need to start taking my own advice. I rationalise well. I just never heed it. Always an excuse, for myself. I tell my friends to go for X then run away from the exact same thing because I’m scared or whatever. It’s bullshit. I really need to start applying my objectivity to myself.